Hiring a Web Designer? Some tips to make them crazy!

I’ve been running a web design department for quite some time, and it’s quite easy to send me over the edge these days. It’s not because I hate the job, it’s not because the company or people are awful to work with. Nope, they’re actually super cool. The real problem is the fact that the customers have unrealistic expectations for what they pay for.
These tips will send your designer over the edge and possibly to the centre for addiction and mental health:

1. Tell your designer that you want a website that has the functions and design of MySpace, Facebook and YouTube — in one.
2. Ask for a discount (usually on their already rock-bottom prices). If you are an existing hosting customer, ask for free web hosting for a year! That’ll grind their noodle.
3. The designer or manager will ask you for your sites content before the project can begin. Make sure to tell them that you have everything prepared and ready-to-go even if you don’t. Once ready to send the content, send multiple emails each with a small piece of your content. There’s nothing more annoying then waiting for content in order to finish a website.
4. After you have agreed upon the initial contract/proposal ask for a quote minus a few of the options that you originally wanted.
5. Do not under any circumstances listen to the suggestions of your designer. They may know what’s best but what’s the fun in that.
6. If the designer or manager asks what you would like to be able to manage (edit/add) on the site yourself. Say that your site is going to have millions of visitors and that you’ll need to update all facets of the site.
7. A logo is one of the most important aspects of a website. When the designer asks for yours, send them a low-resolution image in *jpg format or send them a old business card.

At this point, if you were to try any other stunts the designer and manager would probably have to quit or end up like the guy in the above picture. Enjoy!

If you have any of your own, comment and we’ll place them as additional points.

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Jewbuntu - Ubuntu for Jews

Originally from http://www.jewbuntu.org/
What is Jewbuntu?

Jewbuntu is a variant of a variant of the Ubuntu Operating system designed specifically for Jews. Like the editions put out by the goyish communities, such as Ubuntu CE and ME, Jewbuntu takes the best that Ubuntu has to offer, and adds special open-source software and packages that appeal to a Jewish Audience.

Features and Benefits

• Jewbuntu is Free!
• Jewbuntu contains the Torah in its original Hebrew form, as well as the entire liturgy for the entire year!
• All religious text are denominationally aware - for example, if you are Conservative or Reform it will remove the portions of the Torah not acknowledged by your denomination, and utilize the proper liturgy.
• In addition to the Security tools in standard versions of Linux, Jewbuntu comes with Insecurity tools that were specially designed to encourage users to keep their system up to date. Instead of displaying a simple ‘New Updates are Available message’, it prompts you with - ‘ Go ahead, don’t patch me, it’s not as if I’m important enough to be hacked, and even if I am, what’s the worse that can happen - so you lose a few pictures of the Grandchildren that you haven’t sent you Mom yet, she’ll live.’
• Did we mention, it’s F-R-E-E!
• Jewbuntu can also be configured to automatically update your computer, and then notify you that it updated itself - because G-d only knows that if it had to wait for you, it would never get done.
• Jewbuntu also comes with the Mamaloshen Open Mailer program (MOM) for short. This program not only manages your e-mail and calendar, but also analyzes the events on your calendar and provides you with custom, helpful, and timely reminders (Heaven forbid you should listen). At random intervals during the day MOM will review your e-mails and calendar and offer advice tidbits. Here are some samples: “You have a date with Allison this evening - where is this going? Hey, why is it marked as an overnight event?”; “Funny, I browsed your whole schedule and noticed you didn’t have a single entry for ‘Call Mom’ so I took the liberty of adding it as a recurring event - hourly.”
• The system comes complete with RSS feeds of Classic Yiddish Insults, MP3 Hebrew Word Pronunciation Guides, and excuses for not calling your Mother.
• Once, again, there is no cost for Jewbuntu!
• Jewbuntu also has the Instant Advocacy script - this script searches the net for public opinon polls about Israel, and automatically votes once every five minutes based on your political preferences.
• It’s FREE so what are you waiting for? Download it already!

Variants:

Jewbuntu has several variants including:

• JAP Edition - has a special payment service that automatically charges Daddy’s credit card
• Mixed-Marriage Edition - Combines the best of Ubuntu CE and Jewbuntu. Also includes ‘Jewish tips for Goyim’ MOTD; The only caveat is that you can’t install the Orthodox Denomination
• Goojubuntu - Are you a Googler? Want the best of Jewbuntu, but also the best of the Goobuntu distro? Goojubuntu combines both in one easy to download package. BONUS - includes a special translating tool - GooGooGaJew - which changes all long U sounds into the Google-Kitschy oo - i.e. Kugel and Bubbaleh become Koogle and Boobaleh respectively.

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Dealing with Tech Support

Furthering my articles on tech support; If you have ever called a tech support line, I’m sure you been frustrated to no end. Just getting to a live person seems to be a secret. You have to learn to navigate silicone sally’s virtual menus. Sounds like an adult movie title, ok, ok - don’t get excited. You can’t avoid the stress though. Press one for sales, 2 for support, 3 for support in English, then you’re in the support menu… press one for desktops, 2 for laptops, 3 for both…

If you are a wearing a clown suit; press 4, if you are not, press 5. You get the picture.

Eventually, you’ll get a live person.

• Step 1 – Did you write down all those menu choices you made to get here? Better do it now. You’re going to need to call back, and you might as well save yourself some time. By no fault of the technician on the other end (mostly)

I have been known to – accidentally - hang up on some callers. Purely by accident… cough.. cough..You will either be cut off, or put on hold, transferred and put in another queue.

• Step 2 – remain calm, you’re going to be on the phone for a while. If you have a cordless phone, switch to a corded phone. If you have a headset phone, use it. Go get a coffee, or a drink and relax.
• Step 3 – capture as much pertinent information as you can possible comprehend. Be ready for the technical support you are calling to receive! The more information you can offer, the better your chances of a successful resolution.

You’re probably wondering why I used the word ‘chances’ in regards to a tech support call? As if it were a contest? Well it is like a contest, sort of. The prize is you get your problem resolved, quickly and properly the first time.

If you tell the technician “My internet doesn’t work” that doesn’t help him at all. Try going to your mechanic and saying “My car makes a noise” see his response. Now, try that over the phone, where the technician can’t see anything. My point is he is trying to help you, so help him by getting as many details as you can.

• Step 4 – do some research beforehand. If you see an error message, try searching google for it. Use the exact phrasing and put that in your google search. You may find a little more information to help troubleshoot the problem – you might even fix it yourself.

Technician’s have a difficult enough time dealing with the different possibilities and configurations of computer hardware and software. To make matters worse, they can’t see your screen, so they are working off experience and memory. There are some remote support utilities to enable them to access and control your computer, but that in itself requires technical support to get working.

The possibilities of software and hardware problems are endless, so in gathering information to help troubleshoot the cause, you can help in the solution. One important consideration is to only capture the relevant information of an error message. Some error messages are paragraph upon paragraph. The technician doesn’t need to know or hear you repeat that information back to him. Give them the summary. If there is a specific mention to a file name, or a location, relay that information.

• Keep your cool and remain polite! Technicians are people too and a polite and friendly voice will do wonders to getting the problem resolved in a manner that everyone will enjoy.

How eager do you think the technician is to help you if you’re angry with him? Did he actually cause the problem? Don’t shoot the messenger! If you’re angry and confrontational, you’ll get nowhere. Not only in tech support, but pretty much anywhere.

Think of the technician’s role. He just got off the phone with someone just like you – frustrated, in a hurry, and completely unaware that they themselves most likely caused the problem in the first place. Although that may not be a completely accurate statement all of the time, it’s pretty true MOST of the time. A good technician will fix the problem without laying blame, or complaining. A good technician is of course hard to find.

To be continued…

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Consumers vs. Technicians (Part 2)

We’ve all had to call technical support at one time or another. We’ve all had good and bad experiences with them. Looking in from the consumer’s perspective, we have complaints abounding. Most complaints can be summed up:

-          The technician had poor people skills and didn’t care about me or my problem

-          The technician had poor language skills or spoke too quickly to understand

-          The technician had poor technical skills, and didn’t know anything

Imagine that? A technician that doesn’t know it all! In my IBM days, it was a common saying that if you could walk and chew gum, and you were polite, they could train you to fix computers. Oh, how sadly untrue!

And for the record – it’s the other way around! If you can fix computers, we can teach you to walk and chew gum – virtual gum, and walking through a cyber-world. - Just kidding.

I’ll start out with some scenario from the Consumer’s Perspective, then I’ll give the Technician’s Perspective.

Consumer Scenarios

1) You’re an Idiot, and we know everything.

As the customer, we’ve become familiar with that drab and monotone voice on the other end of the phone. They condescend you in every word and even mock you! You can easily imagine the tech’s face and actions akin to “whatever” I’ll bet you’ve often felt like they put you on hold to get their colleagues to listen in, and have a comedy central riot at your expense. Or worse yet, they put you on speakerphone. All the while, claiming to be getting their 2^nd level support team involved. As for 2^nd level support, he’s most likely the guy in the next workstation pretending to be the go-to-guy. Oh the tricks and webs we weave…

2) Passing The Buck

You’re on the phone for an hour, and the problem still exists. The technician told you to download the drivers and call back – your problem that you could access the internet. How can you download the drivers without an Internet connection?

3) He said, She said

You have a computer, a modem, a router and a VOIP phone. The phone doesn’t work, so who do you call? The ISP says, it’s not their problem and al is working fine with the lines in your house. How does he know, did he come out and check them? Taking his advice, you call the VOIP provider. They say it’s your ISP’s problem. You call back the ISP and relay the information, although you have not been given any reason, or information to convey, you just say – it’s your problem. ISP says it’s your computer.

The point? Well, the technician is basically trying to get rid of the idiot on the line. Pass the buck, find a place to lay blame, somewhere that the consumer can’t refute. Somewhere in techno-babble land. The customer won’t know what hit him!

4) Stats baby Stats!

Call Centres run on statistics. Plain and simple. More calls in less time, be polite so that the company look and sounds professional and that they care about you. Etiquette over technical abilities. Heaven forbid – a likeable technician? Although rare, they do exist, and I’ve personally been told this thousands of times. It is the technician’s job to take inbound calls, complete them as quickly as possible. Politely and courteously. If a call goes beyond the average talk time of say 3 minutes, it starts to impact his personal stats. Lower talk times are better, and he who handles more calls looks better to management.

Although technical abilities are nice to have, a good talker can get you on the line, confuse you and get you off the line without fixing anything. It should work - is the term that technicians use to get rid of you. They have either reached their personal limits of technical abilities, they’ve been on the call too long, their supervisor is waving his arms, or pointing at his watch, or the tech just doesn’t care any more. 

5) Where am I calling for support anyways?

You may have noticed the trend in the last decade where technical support is outsourced overseas. My opinion of course, nevertheless – the reason for this trend is as I stated above. If you can walk and talk politely, we can train you to take technical calls. There are countries overseas with exceptional educational systems and language diversities. The technical infrastructure can be brought to these countries, and the training can be scripted. North American IT companies have already laid the foundations for tech support protocols, procedures, flow charts and problem resolution tools. These can be converted into online training and resources. Call centres simply need the manpower to field the calls, and use the problem resolution tools to fix the problems. Technician’s technical troubleshooting abilities will come later. This is not the case now, however it was 10 years ago. Lets face it, it’s cheaper for manpower, foreign governments welcome big business, and will help with incentives, training, location, land, resources, and of course tax breaks. If you wonder why the technician is overseas – now you know.

North American workers want too much, benefits, holidays, regular raises, perks, benefits and so on and so no. I should know, I am one too.

Overseas workers, well it’s a completely different ball game. It’s Cricket actually.

Technician Scenarios

Ok, lets start by first getting the usual stories out of the way.
PEBKAC – problem exists between keyboard and chair
ID 10T Error – spell it out - id10t, coffee holders, why is there 2 power buttons, my computer isn’t working…let me get a flashlight to see why etc.

1)      If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

How many calls have you taken in a case like this. The customer says, well I was looking through my programs and uninstalled everything I didn’t need. You of course roll your eyes, and wonder where this is going. Of course under your breath, you have to ask why?

If your car is working fine, do you start removing parts? So, now the caller wants you to help them repair everything. Of course this can go several ways – is the computer even in warranty, is it your company’s product, what exactly is wrong with it and so on.

It takes a special gift to be able to repair something without seeing it. Think about that next time you need technical support.

2)      Your error messages are unique

Windows is known for some of the most ridiculous and useless error messages (sorry to all the programmers out there) but it’s true. Fatal error, Fatal exception, Illegal Operation and so on. SWAT or the ETF should be here any minute. Callers have no idea what they are or how to fix them, so they call for support. Of course they have to read every single word of the error message, or worse yet, the terms and conditions of a EULA. ( Tip: stop them before they start, politely say no need to read the entire message.) The consumer feels that they are helping you, and the company make a better product, and you NEED to know this information.

3)      Why do I have to give you my information?

Ever had a customer raise a fuss about giving their information, or even the machine information? Why is that, got something to hide? They don’t realize that everything needs to be tracked in the call centre’s tools and utilities. The information is used to call up history, case numbers, and previous calls. Technicians could care less about your personal information. They want to see the technical details to get the problem fixed.

4)      I want your name and extension

Yeah right, you bought a laptop computer and that earns you the right to call me whenever you need? I’ve purchased cars and homes with not even an extension number. I’m not referring to security and Information privacy, but rather customer expectations.

As far as privacy and security concerns go, each country is different of course. In Canada where I live, we are not required to give first and last names. As long as you can give the customer a way to refer to your case, or to you with an alias, or a employee number or a reference number, that is good enough. I’ve actually had customers look me up in the phonebook and call me at home. This was when I first started in technical support at IBM. You learn real quick after that happens!

5)      Salesman will say anything to close the deal!

The customer calls to say this computer was promised to have xray vision! More often than not, big box store salesman work on commission. They need the money just as much as you. Their employers don’t want to pay for product training and considering how quickly technology changes, it’s next to impossible to keep up. Sales staff often have to learn products on their own time. They may have made an honest mistake, or did what they had to - to get the deal done. Of course this leave the customer with false information and you are a representative of the company tat makes these products – whether you like it or not. Fix the problem, make it do what was promised or bear the wrath of the misinformed customer. Your only recourse is tell the truth and set the record straight, or escalate to Customer Care. Of course, you get dinged for the escalation, or for telling the customer their laptop can’t make ice cubes.

6)      You know everything about software

The customer complains that his computer won’t synch with his digital camera, or his home design software doesn’t work. Of course it’s your fault. You’re supposed to know about these things. The customer has no idea that there are support limitations. If it connects to your product, you have to support it. Customer Entitlement is not clearly defined. Sorry marketing and sales teams, this falls on you. As a technician, you’d love to say, does the computer turn on and operate properly? Thank you for calling our company, have a nice day – but you can’t. You have to at least try to offer some sort of assistance – without knowing a thing about the product. Like a Honda mechanic working on a photocopier.

Finally, Some funny (or stupid) questions
Can’t you just loom at my computer from there and fix it?
Can I see if my kids have been surfing adult sites?
Can you clean my computer of where I’ve been and my cookies?
Why do I have to pay for support, MSN comes with windows
Why don’t I have Microsoft word, it’s part of windows
My casino software stopped working
My stock market programs are not working
My kids did this and broke something
I get this error message, I don’t remember what it says, can you fix it?
My computer won’t power on
My monitor won’t show anything, it just blinks, or has no green light
Smoke is coming from my monitor, what should I do
I spilled coffee on my laptop and it started to smoke, is it ok?
Can I have your number so I can call you back?
I demand to speak with your supervisor, I want a new computer
If you don’t fix it now, I want a replacement
What do you mean not supported? It came with the computer

Just look at yahoo’s new answers for some of the typical questions. You’ll be sure to get a chuckle!

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Consumers vs. Technicians (part 1)

We’ve all had to call technical support at one time or another. We’ve all had good and bad experiences with them. Looking in from the consumer’s perspective, we have complaints abounding. Most complaints can be summed up:

      -          The technician had poor people skills and didn’t care about me or my problem.
-          The technician had poor language skills or spoke too quickly to understand,
-          Often, a common complaint is plain and simply - just poor technical skills.

Imagine that? A technician that doesn’t know it all! In my IBM days, it was a common saying that if you could walk and chew gum – but were polite, they could train you to fix computers. Oh, how sadly untrue!

And for the record – it’s the other way around! If you can fix computers, we can teach you to walk and chew gum – virtual gum, and walking through a cyber-world. - Just kidding.

As the customer, we’ve become familiar with that drab and monotone voice on the other end of the phone. They condescend you in every word and even mock you! You can easily imagine the tech’s face and actions akin to “whatever” I’ll bet you suspect that they put you on hold to get their colleagues to listen in, or worse yet, put you on speakerphone – while claiming to be getting their 2^nd level support team involved. And as for 2^nd level support, he’s most likely the guy in the next workstation pretending to be the go-to-guy.

In the end, you’re on the phone for an hour, and the problem still exists. The technician told you to download the drivers and call back – your problem that you could access the internet. How can you download the drivers? How about the reassuring “it should work” reply.

To be continued!

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